Frustrations

This has been an irritating morning.

My Sonic Foundry won't do what I want it to.

My wav files don't want to upload properly, or play all theway through if they DO upload.

I am buried under a mountain of filing, which is keeping me from what I really need to do which is finishing the next database. And then A co worker wants me to upgrade my quickbooks and it keeps locking up and not upgrading. I say screw the quickbooks. I rarely use it now anyway, and I have more pressing matters to deal with right now, sorry sister.

She won't like that, but o well.



I am frustrated that every night this week is booked.

Tonight the girls have a concert.

Wednesday night is Blakes Youth leader meeting.

Thursday is Scouts youth group, and my production team meeting.

Friday is another performance night for the girls, and Saturday is the final performance.

Then Sunday we set lights for the next production. Monday night is a dress rehearsal.

I have 4 days to complete the costume and prop needs.

That doesn't count my own Cmas shopping and shipping.

I should probably get all that done this week. I want to have my daytimes next week, free to do stuff with the kids.

I know that the "Tyranny of the Urgent" will attempt to lay demands on my time. I am going to have to say "no" to alot of worthwhile things.

I wish I wasn't the only adult in my house who is able to decide on priorities and then have to work at keeping them straight.

It appears that I am the only adult in my household who is doing that, it makes me feel like I have to do it for everybody else so that the house doesn't "tip over."

I am tired of carrying the house by myself.

I am tired of being the only one to understand what the priorites are, and being the one who has to forever keep them before the eyes of everyone else.

I am tired of excuses.

I wonder what would happen if I died?

What if the house fell over?

It's the kids who would suffer.

I almost feel like I don't dare die, becuase there seems to be too much riding on me.

What will happen when I can't carry it anymore?

The day is coming alot faster than the rest of them know.

It could even be on the doorstep.

In the end it's the kids who suffer.

That's why I pray everyday that they will know that deep, abiding confidence that comes from knowing that God doesn't always take away the storm, but He does remain with us through it all.

That is why I pray that they will know that God hates suffering.

It was never His that the forces of evil perpetrate, for this temporary time, utter crap on His beloved.

Even so, this polluted earth must run it's course.

I pray that they will see how HE uses all things, good and vile, to bring about positive things within the hearts of people if they will let Him.

It is the only thing that will remain unchanging and good and true for their sojourn on this planet.

We all long to be free.

But we do not have the right to choose our own coming and going.

But we do long to be free of this Fleshly Tent and be with Him.

Even so, the rest of the day is before me with all of it's filing and DNS Error messages.

With all of its busyness and bills to pay.

With all of it's secret joys in a kid singing her solo in front of a packed house and she thinks nothing of it.

In the quiet moment I spend in my daughters room after "praying her up" when we talk quietly about her days, and laff at freaky stuff.

There are somedays when I just say:

"enh! life is hell sometimes God, but I am glad that I have it.

I am glad I am me.

Let me do all that You want in the time I have left, so that I can leave some of You here after I've gone home.

Most of all God, I am sure glad I have You."



**Donna thinks I should let the house fall over.

She thinks I am being the enabler.

Funny, that's what my pastors wife said.

That is what my friend, who is also a counselor, has said in the past." **



Maybe by holding up the house myself, I am weakening the real foundation?

If I step out from under the house, will it be my fault if it crumbles, cracks or crashes?

Won't I then have guilt?

Is it my job to rebuild the "Foundation?"

No.

At least THAT is one thing I know for sure.