No Cheese?

I have shocked myself. I cannot believe that I did not bring any cheese on this camping trip with me. Certainly that has to be a first.

You can't "DO" Relationships

A friend of mine posted something regarding relationships the other day and it got me thinking.

It was all about doing this or that to please your significant other.

Out of 10 items listed, only 3 of them really had anything to do with relationship.

It made me think.  
Isn’t that how we are as humans?  We “DO” relationships.  
That is the problem.  
A relationship is an evolving, morphing thing.  A thing to “BE” in, as opposed to “DO”.

To BE present, to BE hearing, to BE thinking, and most importantly, simply to BE with.

It also made me think about the Church.

The Church tends to DO relationship as well.

With it’s God and with each other.

We often think, “If I do this, and don’t do that, then God and I are good.”

And with each other, “You did this, so you are acceptable, and you did that so you are unacceptable.”

I think the main messages of the Bible are that we are ALL imperfect, God wants a living breathing relationship with us, and this “relationship thing” is something to be worked on for all of our lives.

Todays hair...

Courtesy of Medusa.

Travel Trailer

This is a good week! Getting my wee little travel trailer already for the season! First destination on the docket? Winter quarters in Scotts Mills next weekend travel time, Friday the 13th! Can't even wait!

The first signs of spring in Central

So today is April 5th. And I can't even believe it but this afternoon I am sitting on my patio. The weather is 70 degrees, with very high overcast with the sun peeking through. It is warm and the birds are tweeting. And I feel I can say with certainty, despite the snow that will surely come between now and the end of April, spring is surely nearby.

Processing the past through some one elses dementia, part 2

After I left the hospital, I began to feel some of that old anger come back to me.

I had several thoughts on the drive home.
Up until now, when ever I saw his girlfriend (in a way that I had to interact with her)  I would say to her "I am so glad he has you in his life", and I did tell her at one point early on,  when things were really awkward and she was having a difficult time dealing with us, I said to her at one point when we were alone, (actually she had a friend there) " I just want you to know that I do not bear any ill will toward you or Stu.  I am thankful that he has you in his life, and wish for you to feel welcomed. Please know this is the absolute truth, from the bottom of my heart."

After my intereaction with Stu in the hospital yesterday, I thoght on my way home, "Screw him. If the stories I've heard about her from others are true, then she is as horribly manipulative as he is, and they effing deserve each other.  So now I can say with less compassion and more anger, "yeah, you guys deserve each other."

This is not a good state of mind for me to be in.
But it came flooding in so fast and completely that it makes me think I still have things to process.

When I got home, I shared the experience with my excellent friend of 30+ years.  She said a profound thing to me that I have neverheard her say:

Well, Michelle, honestly I've always thought that Stu was a 'woman hater' ".

As I pondered it through the night, and looked over our life together, all the demeaning, belittling, manipulative, game playing cruel things he did and said suddenly made sense.  It is as if his current condition has stripped away all of his filters and his abilities to carry out his lifelong facades.  He is now living openly, the hate that he has had for me all of our married life.  It is both refreshing and sad. All of the years he presented these wonderful facades of the adoring husband and father, perfectly Christian with his family in line. When I divorced him, he was no longer able to present that perfect facade. I imagine that once that occurred, his rage REALLY kicked in. You know, underneath the surface.

So now, it is on me to decide what I am going to do with these feelings.
I was awake in the middle of the night, chewing on all of this and praying, "Lord, help me to see things right and not stay in this place."

After this night of prayer, and a little bit of sleep I woke up with a sense of peace and freedom.
I have decided that, other than to be a support to my children and extended family and eventually visiting friends, I do not need to see Stuart anymore. Particularly not at the hospital, unless he really requests it, which I doubt will happen.

This leads me to some other questions:

1).   We have many longtime and very dear shared friends.

If his hate carries on unfiltered like this, do I give up going to our annual bocce ball and New Years Eve get togethers?  Since the divorce we have been well able to navigate these events remaining cordial to each other and getting along for the sake of those friendships.  If he starts ranting and calling me the 'C' word or other things, it will get really bad for the other friends attending the events. But I don't want to lose those friends. And these two events are usually the only times I get to see them all together as they all live in Eugene and Portland.

So this is a thing that concerns me. And it's all hypothetical really.  So why borrow trouble I guess.


2).   How will it be at family events now?  Even though we are divorced we still get together with the in-laws and kids and cousins for Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter.  How's that gonna work now?

Anyway, there it is for now.

Processing the past through someone elses dementia, Part 1

I was taken back at least 13 years ago yesterday afternoon.

All of the reasons I got my divorce came flooding back to me as I stood inside the door of Stuart's hospital room.

A little backstory:
Stuart, as many of you know, has suffered a terrible form of sepsis.  The infection is in his blood, liver, lungs and brain.  There are 20-30 absesses, each the size of a dime, in his brain.  They are trying to administer anitbiotics through a pic line.  He is expected to be hospitalized for two months.

He spends his days in and out of dementia.  Some times his symptoms almost seem like they resemble Tourette's Syndrome. When he was first admitted he was violently flailing, striking himself and those around him.  They restrained him, wrapped his hands, and sedated him. He was swearing beyond profusely at anyone within striking distance.  He is still in swearing mode - which is odd for him.  Anyway, all of this backstory to say, he can't be held accountable for the things that he does and says right now.

So, I have avoided going in to his room, because I know he is fragile and edgy. I do not know if seeing me or hearing my voice will cause him stress in his current condition and that is the LAST thing he needs.  That and his girlfriend is often there and I don't want to cause awkwardness.
Just because you are divorced from a person does not necessarily mean that you hate them.  Heck I was married to the guy for 28 bloody long years. The last 13 of which were pure hell and I do confess that I HATED him during that time. But that was then and this is now.  I certainly bear him or his girlfriend no ill will.   So when I go to the hospital, I stay in the waiting room.  This way I can be there to support my kids when they come to town and visit him.

Blake got permission from his employer to come down to be with his dad for the week.  Blake has been sleeping every single night in the hospital, in the recliner chair next to his bed.  The boy looks rough, fragile and bleary eyed.

Tuesday I went to pick up his laundry and take it home to wash for him.
Blake said, "Hey mom, why don't you come stand in the doorway for a sec and say 'hi' to dad?"
I said, "well ok, if you think it won't upset him?"
Blake answered, "it should be fine."
So I stood in the the doorway and waved and said Hi Stu.
Stu looked my way and weakly said, "hi" back.

When I brought Blake's laundry back to him on Thursday, I again stood in the door and waved and said "Hi".  Stu did not look up.  Blake said to him, "Hey dad, do you want to turn your head and say hi to mom?"  Stuart frowned and said, "No!"

Which was fine.
And yet, it brought back a FLOOD of anger from years gone by.

To be continued...

Lake season.

The season is so close I can hardly stand it. The time to be on the water whether it's paddling the High Lakes or whether it's hitting the Estuary and The Game Preserve at the coast and paddling that. The time to be on the water is near. So close and yet so far.

When will any of us learn?

Sometimes we say, as parents of grown children, "When will these kids ever learn?"

But I would counter this by saying to ourselves, "When will WE ever learn?"

Learn that sometimes (oftentimes?) it is more important to let our kids suffer and hurt and experience the agonies of life rather than to offer them the advice, wisdom and tools to navigate through or around such suffering.

To really learn something, some people just have to figure it out, no matter how painful the process is.