The eating dilemma that never ceases

Heheh, this almost starts out like an R. Pratt blog post, being about lunch and food, but in the end I think it turns sour and any resemblance fades quickly.


So I am walking around the kitchen, looking for something to have for lunch.
I open the cupboard...cup -o- soup?
No the kids like those for after school, I better not.

I open the fridge...Cheese quesadilla?
No the kids like those too much too.

Tuna?
No, should save it for Scout, its her favorite.

Go-gurt?
No.

Chips and salsa?
No Stu likes those for a snack.

Lettuce?
No,I could use it in a sandwich for the kids tomorrow.

My eyes light on a brand new tube of Goat cheese.
Mmmmm, yummmm, I can have that on a piece of bagette!

Enh....no.
I don't want to open a brand new package just for myself, when I could save it and share it with my friend Amber.

And then I had to stop...

What the heck is wrong with you girl?!
Don't you matter?
Open the frikkin cheese and have some.
That's what its there for, and nobody else in the house likes it except you.
(And Amber when she visits.)
And what? Like I can't have any of the food unless its something that nobody else likes or will eat? What is up with that? What is in yer head woman??!!)

So pushing guilt aside, (And what guilt? Guilt for existing? Guilt for not being everything to everybody at every time they think they need it? I don't know - what is that? Approval Addiction? ) I did indeed delve into the brand new package of cheese.
O thou sinful creature!
How dare you take food that could be eaten by some one else.

Man! How I can be too dang fat and not eat is a mystery to me!

Eating and its psycological relationship to being valuable.
To being a viable life form.
What is up with that?
(Millions of people on this planet, and millions of perspectives on that question right there.)

To eat is to acknowledge that I exist?
And to exist is ...what? Bad?
I haven't quite figured out what within me finds something bad about that.
That I might interfere with some one elses plans just by my mere presence?
Could be.
(Hmmm, there went an internal lightbulb.)


Where the heck did that thought come from, anyway?

Hmmmm...maybe there is food for thought there.
Maybe not.

Maybe there is a terrible banquet set, that the rest of you can easily view with disgust, that I can barely make out as though looking into a smeared and dirty mirror.
I still can't see it all yet.
But I think there might be something there.

The fathomable yet unattainable flip-side to all of this, is that I know that if there be any sin,
it is in that I know that I am a creation of God Almighty, and yet I harbor this odd mindset that denies the value of His Workmanship. (Namely, me and my existence.)

I am sure there must be some form of arrogance there, on my part.
Not sure yet how that works in, though.

Pieces to puzzles.
Floating all around and yet when I reach for them they disappear like quicksilver from my hand, and I awaken from the fleeting thought as from a dream.