Stuff

You are my friend.
I rarely see you.
I invite you to go do things like kayak, or go to the coast or to come up to the campsite for a day or even to stay over if you wish.
There is always an excuse.
I understand that you are busy.
With your family.
With your elderly parents.
I know how that is because I have gone through all of that myself.

So I guess I never really thought that much about it other than it was always a big massive bummer.
Until now.
But now, I see how things are:

All the times of your saying, "Yes. Lets go do this," only to have you change your mind at the last minute, leaving me holding the bag, to go and do the adventure alone. Again and again and again.

It seems that you can go camping with a mutual friend at the drop of a hat, but not when I invite you.
It seems that you can go hang out at the lake or go fishing at the drop of a hat, but not when I invite you.

Even so, it was a bit of a wake up call for me.
Let me just say, it didn't start with the Civil War.
But that was kind of the Last Straw.

I suddenly realized:  It is me.
I don't know what I ever did.  I don't know what I do.
It must just be how I am.

And now it feels like you know,
that what transpired has come down to the equivalent of an assault on our friendship.
And you are back peddling.
Trying to make it up, as if to say, "See? Everything is good, right? We're all good...?"
And you are trying to save face in order to keep some semblance of peace.
You have recently taken to inviting me to go here, or do this and have a beer.
Even though we've been friends for many many years,
that's not something you normally do:
Call me, to arrange to hang out.
Not unless it's with the group.

I never really thought about that fact before. Until just now.

I know that you are a peacable person, and would even throw someone under the bus to maintain some concept of unity. But ultimately that doesn't work. Because some one got thrown under the bus. I've been that person before, and I've watched you do it to some one else.  Just to keep the peace.  To avoid confrontation.

In the things that have transpired above, I can sadly say that, unfortunately, there has been a breach of trust. For me anyway.

The words you say, I no longer know if they are legit or just trying to maintain the peace.

And I don't like how this has felt.  I've tried for years to not take it personally when ever there is an excuse.  And I never did take it personally.  But now, after what has transpired, indicated above, it makes me wonder, retro-actively.

I don't like feeling this way, and I fear for the possible loss of what I thought was an excellent friendship.

Sadly, all of the "trying to make it up" out of the blue, suddenly, only makes it worse.

I need to have a foundation for trust and that foundation has been put to serious question.

Don't push me.  I need time to get over this hurt.

Alone.